i remember riding in the back seat of the car on a road trip through a few states in south central Mexico with my grandparents and cousins when I was around 13 or 14 years old, just letting my mind wander to the depths of my heart as I wondered if my crush knew i existed. the setting was perfect. it was raining, so i felt that the raindrops gliding across the backseat window as we drove in the dark gloomy weather through the mountains, as the chaos in the car ensued, were all a perfect backdrop to some real angsty introspection about how much i liked a boy. what i’m saying, i think, is that i’ve always been really comfortable with letting my mind explore the thoughts that pop in and out. sometimes those thoughts linger and cause a lot of pain. but most of the time, im able to sift through them and discover a lot of truths about the world and life in general.

recently, my mom found a box in her attic full of my old things, including the journals i spent hours writing in. saying that i really felt comfortable giving my thoughts freedom to roam would be putting it lightly. i wrote because i had, and still have, a hard time speaking out loud without judgement of my own mind. i know that my closest friends would always lend me the grace to speak freely without judgement but it still feels really hard to say the things i feel out loud without feeling like i wish i could go back and edit how i chose to speak. so, as much as i love spending time with friends and loved ones, the only way for me to really move past the things that confuse me in life is to take the time to put it down on paper.

social media has been such a wonderful tool for me to do just that. i love aesthetics so matching a pretty picture with some of my most intimate thoughts came very easy to me. the feedback and connection has brought me so much joy and has left me feeling seen and understood. staying connected and plugged in, though, to the world wide web and all the noise that comes with it left me feeling an overall hopelessness with how the future will look. i can see that that’s mostly not true, but letting even the thought of that being an eventual possibility seep into my brain made it really easy for me to unplug, delete the apps, and be present in my immediate surroundings.

for close to five months now, it’s been nice not to compare my house with others’. it’s been beautiful to know that our highlights and happy times as a family have been just for us to enjoy. it’s been life giving to see the people around me and not already know their every move because i saw them post about it on their social media.

what i miss, though, is sharing my thoughts and releasing them out into the world knowing that someone somewhere might need to read that they are not alone.

the past few months have been filled with a lot of introspection as i move into this phase of life where hormones impact virtually every aspect of my life, where parenting seems challenging, where grown up things like paying off our house in 15 years, choosing the right life insurance, and planning for our kids’ financial future are taking precedence over almost everything else, and where making space to be fully present gets harder and harder as schedules get busier and attitudes get stronger. as challenging as life can feel most days i am honestly, in large part, truly enjoying navigating life right now. i see the lessons in many of the challenges and feel triumphant when we succeed in things big and small, but id be remiss to say that i don’t miss the connection that social media provided.

so, i find myself here, at a crossroads between wanting to be connected while at the same time wanting to remain unplugged. because the written word provides for me a release that the spoken word does not, i’ll continue to sift through my thoughts like i always have, then leave those thoughts and the lessons i gain from them here. ill leave then here for me or for you. ill leave them here for the mom’s who need to know that someone else is struggling too. ill leave them here for the middle aged women who want so badly to get in shape and to look like their size 2 friend, but who can’t quite pass up the hot ‘n spicy mcchicken on their drive home from a long day at work. these words, that rattle non-stop in my brain, will be here for anyone needing to remember that we are all trying our best and none of us are always without some struggles. my words, my friend, are here to provide comfort when you or i need it. i hope you can allow them to do just that.