i’ve been pretty stress free about my career for several years now. jesse, my husband, and i help to manage and operate my mother-in-law’s driving schools. it keeps us busy and allows us the time freedom that we want. it’s fulfilling in all the ways that it needs to be. i never imagined for a second, that this would be the job that i would end up having because in the past i always imagined i’d have some fancy career. but, i honestly haven’t worried about having a job or a career that will make me feel important or impressive for quite some time. i have felt a whole lot of peace and sort of like “i’ve made it!” lately, you know? not because running a driving school comes with accolades or recognition, but because it allows us to be home with our kids when we need to, travel when we want to, and enjoy our time away from our work. this work doesn’t require me to wear myself thin or stress, and my ambitious nature seeks to pursue other accomplishments like being a happy and healthy mother and wife. (not to say that those don’t come with their own challenges) but every now and then i wonder: where has all of my ambition gone?

i spent most of my childhood making sure to make good grades, stay away from trouble, and be as well behaved as I could. i was terrified of ever having to be reprimanded or punished by my mom. my dad wasn’t around so i didn’t fear that from him. but i do think a part of me felt that if i was a “good kid” it would maaaaybe bring him back, or at the very least he would be more interested in me and what was happening in my life. i just did everything i could to be a model child. i remember going to my friends’ aunt’s house in new orleans for dinner one day and hearing “wow, why aren’t you girls as behaved as ellie is?” then, in junior high i found myself excelling in academics and also seeking out leadership roles in all of my extra curriculars. by the time high school came around, i was the epitome of ambition. straight a’s, top of my class, graduated with honors, president of all sorts of clubs, state titles for academics and leadership skills, the works. i suffered from burnout (also started dating my first real boyfriend) during undergrad but ramped things back up again when i decided to get my MBA a year after graduating college.

i worked for my family’s restaurants through undergrad and some of grad school. got another job for a few years, then came back to work for my family’s business. all throughout grad school, my only focus was to get through it. simply working on my MBA fed the need i had engrained in me to be impressive. the hard work and the stress and the projects and just the commitment it took to stay and earn my MBA carried me through what could have been a very smooth and easy path in life. i say that because during that time i could have very well been happy just working, having fun, and enjoying my now husband before we had kids. instead, i chose to find a path that required a lot of work. juggling it all was a challenge that was stressful but at the same time fulfilling. after all, at that point that way of living was what i had become conditioned to.

everything happens for a reason and those two and a half years in grad school continue to serve me well, but the whole reason i even went to grad school was because i wanted to feel like i was doing something important with my life. i was so used to doing things that felt important and noteworthy and i didn’t see many other options except for going to school again until i could score an “important” job. i often imagined a life where i would wake up in the morning, get dressed in nice, expensive clothes, ride to work in a fancy car with a coffee in the cupholder and spend my days having some job that served some monumental purpose; a job and a career in which i would gain some sort of notoriety for everything i was accomplishing. never in all of those imaginings could i picture any specifics. it was never about the specifics. it was about the challenge and success so that others could see how great i was.

what came next, though, was jesse. he showed me that i could be loved and be interesting without even having to try. jesse liked and loved me. he loved spending time with me. no stipulations, no tricks, no needing anything from me. he just wanted our lives to travel the same path. early on in our relationship, i considered moving to different cities to pursue a career in the hospitality industry and i always chose to stay because for the first time in my life proving myself to the outside world didn’t feel quite as important as allowing myself to be loved for who i truly was. i could go on and on about how well loved i am by him. suffice it to say, after years of being with jesse, that feeling that i needed to earn someone’s love and approval faded away. i feel like people who know me post-jesse but didn’t know me before probably couldn’t imagine me being so driven. it’s just that after jesse, feeling safe was enough.

jesse and i have built a life for ourselves now that is based on happiness that comes from the gratitude we have for everything we already have in front of us. we don’t feel the need to prove ourselves to each other or anyone else. we don’t measure our success by how much money we have or how big our house is. we don’t chase some idea of a life that doesn’t fit who we are at our core. we measure our success by the peace we feel at the end of the day knowing that we really like who we are and the way we treat our family and friends. we don’t have all the answers and our life isn’t perfect, but what we have we would choose over and over again.

BUT i do wonder, are there some latent career aspirations from those times of needing to prove myself that hold some truth? are there dreams that i’ve pushed to the back burner because of how happy i am in virtually every other area of my life? i don’t know for certain.

it’s easy to feel like i should be doing more with my life given my previous wiring and the fact that i’m surrounded by some pretty amazing humans who are doing incredible things in the scope of their careers; starting and running businesses born out of passion projects, using their energy and knowledge for humanitarian efforts, going on to pursue what they know they can succeed in, traveling the world. it’s so easy to see success and grand pursuits and major accomplishments every 10 second if you look at your phone. this girl ran this marathon, that guy traveled to that new continent, her business is growing and she’s only in her twneties, etc. etc. for the most part, and you have to believe me when i say this, i am freaking THRILLED to see so many people putting in the work and living out their dreams. it truly excites me and i love supporting the dreamers and doers. but, i’d be lying if i said that when i looked around at my peers, i didn’t feel like it’s me who should have done something “big”or should be doing more.

but it still begs the question, is it because i really want to do it? is the pursuit of that once held dream worth setting aside all that i have now (time to relax, time with my girls, time with jesse)? is it something that would bring me joy and give me a true and honest sense of fulfillment? i don’t know. maybe. maybe now i’m just convincing myself that i’m happy because i’m scared to try.

i truly don’t know. i feel like i have enough self awareness to decide that if it’s what i truly want, i’ll set my fears aside and do something really cool. i have a few ideas and can picture specifics and am fully aware of the work it would take. for now, though, i’ll keep enjoying the time i have with my babies. i don’t want to rush this precious time that i have with them. for now, i’ll keep cheering on those of you who are putting it all on the line to make it big in what brings you joy. for now, i’ll keep reminding myself that even in the quiet moments at home when there’s nothing pressing and everyone’s happy and our bills are paid and there is no struggle, we fought and worked hard for it. the calm doesn’t make what we have any less amazing. for now, i’ll stay here in the present and let myself wonder and let myself not know what my future holds.

what i do know is this: while i haven’t spent the past eight or ten years of my life building some fancy career or traveling the globe or opening a restaurant, i have indeed still had some major success. over the past several years, i’ve learned to love myself and allow others to love me for exactly who i am. over the past several years, i’ve become a mother to two precious little humans who know that they are so loved. over the past several years, i have learned that i’m allowed to have fun. over the past several years, i have gained the confidence as an adult that we so need to live compassionately and without ego guiding our decisions. over the past several years, i’ve made memories with the people who matter the most to me and have said no to people and things that drain me. over the past several years, i’ve unearthed the trauma that has driven so many of my decisions in life and have released it and am able to live more freely. i’ve listened to great music, i’ve let the sun shine on my face, i’ve met some really cool people and made some really nice friends, i’ve eaten delicious food, i’ve moved my body, i’ve nourished my body, i’ve watched good movies, i’ve sat in silence when i needed to, i birthed a baby in my bedroom, i survived a hurricane, i’ve lived without power, i’ve cried more times than i can count.. over the past several years, like my friend Roy said to me, “i’ve lived not in my dreams but in my reality every day. isn’t that the dream after all?”